Do you ever have times in your life where everything on the surface is placid, but your mind is whirring and just won’t stop?
I’m sure you have. I am having that right now. Ostensibly, everything is smooth, it’s all fine, and it really, really is. But…
Most of you know that I am studying* for the LSAT, which I am taking in less than two weeks, the day after I get home from Vegas. It’s a bit crazy, but that’s just how the scheduling worked out. I’m just focusing on the logic games, and it is baffling how many different kinds there are. Alas…
It’s weird to me that I don’t know where I will be in a year. In so many ways I am more than okay with that–the idea of living as a nomad for a while is thrilling. We’re doing our best to streamline our belongings, so that when we do move, it will be easier. I do know that I am ready to live somewhere else, and that will depend largely on where I get accepted for school. I don’t like thinking about where too much, because I don’t want to get too invested in a location. I mean, New Haven would be lovely, but obviously I can’t hinge any sort of finality on that.
I told Eric earlier that despite only knowing a few things with certainty right now, I’m doing pretty well. Sure, I’ve got nerves, and this stomach ache that just won’t go away, probably because of the nerves, but I don’t have as much anxiety as I thought I would. Ideas and possibilities are whirring like crazy, and I am still trying to grow this photography business, but I don’t think I would want it any other way.
In school I thrived on pressure, and frankly, it’s been far too long since I have had a situation that demands pressure. As odd as it may seem, I am grateful for finally having some pressure again, at least. Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my time, but I am doing my best to think of this period of my life as an incubation/learning/growth period, even if not everything is working out just as I hoped, and even if some things are harder to handle and accept.
So, yeah, on the surface everything is calm. I’m still in Austin, working from home with Eric, trying to sort out various logistical things. However, in my mind, I am already pretty far away, dreaming of what’s next. The wonderful thing about it all, though, is that I don’t feel nearly as trapped as I did when we lived in San Antonio and owned a house. Getting out of that was the most liberating thing we could have done, and this time in Austin has been so necessary to show us that we can indeed thrive where ever we end up, even if it is Berkeley, Cambridge or Amsterdam.
*If you can really call it that! I seriously need to get cracking.
So, what’s going on in your mind? Does your life reflect it?
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
UT Law… great school!!! No bias here.
non-chaotic chaos…. I feel like that described my daily life!
Cheers!
abbey
I totally get the thriving under pressure. It’s what really gets me focused and moving. And I’m gonna have to second your dad and say UT law
That’s so wild that you’re going into law school - I thought photography was going to be your full time gig! Not so? I think what you guys are doing is terribly exciting, I would love to be more mobile if there were more places to go. So many of the cities in Canada are outlandishly expensive to live in, where we are is one of 3 or 4 places we could possibly be here.
I’m trying to bring my personal life into line with where my mind is - I’m trying to calm both down and just look at where I want to be long term. Harder than it seems!!
i get that feeling sometimes! my schedule is month to month so take that anxiety and multiply is by 1000 haha. i travel so much and have seen so much of the world that i really think that this is where i belong for now. my friends keep trying to get me to move to nashville, back to boston or cali, and though i miss them with all my heart i’ve finally given in to being content instead of always thinking about where i should or will be next.
I thought I was reading a page from my own diary here, minus the lsats! I feel like the veneer is starting to crack for me - we’re moving across the country, streamlining, chugging along.. but the uncertainty in so many aspects is killing me. How are you keeping it up so well! *smile*
“non-chaotic chaos”…
Thank you for nailing what I have been struggling with for, oh, TWO MONTHS now…
Good luck on the LSAT!
It’s funny how we’re at the same stage in life where we’re trying to figure out where we’ll be living, doing, and our purpose in life.
A law school student/photographer….how cool does that sound!?
i get crazy stomach aches too that they finally figured out were from anxiety. i feel your pain (literally) and its like the most not fun thing ever! hang in there!!
t’s great that you have such a positive outlook on it. I try to keep that type of attitude but sometimes it just fails me!