One year ago today

Today I saw a headline about the anniversary of Benazir Bhutto’s death. This brought back a flood of memories of dining in Florence at La Beppa. We were there when a friend texted us to let us know about her death–she had spoken at our school about a year before that, so the news was unsettling. It didn’t taint the meal, but for me, that meal will be forever associated with her. We went on to have a classically romantic Florentine evening–the city was at its best the day after Christmas. Lights were glimmering above the streets, and the Arno glistened in the moonlight. We were there for eight nights before moving on to other parts of Europe, and this night, above all the others, shines in my memory. It was what Tuscany ought to be (at least for an American filled with illusions of European hopes and grandeur)–lustrous and splendid and decadent. It may have been all of the wine at La Beppa, but I had begun to imagine that I was seeing Florence at its height as it was for the Medicis and the other Renaissance powers.

A year ago in Florence I did not know who I wanted to be; I just knew that the process of finding my authentic self was going to be a challenge. This both daunted and titillated me. I had a wedding rapidly approaching, we were in the process of buying a house, and I was reveling in being done with college.

Today I no longer have a wedding to plan; instead, I have memories to clutch to my heart and a much beloved husband. I have bought (and sold) a house, made plans to move to another part of the country which were halted at essentially the last hour to find yet another splendid place to call home. Today, instead of reveling in being a graduate, I am reveling in plans to start my own photography business. A lot of things in the last year were completely out of my control–meningitis, off job-market, etc. However, I am learning how to take back control. While some things once seemed futile, I now feel emboldened with a renewed zest for life.

I have identified things that fundamentally matter to me, and I plan to do everything in my power to ensure that these things remain a priority in my life. Among these things are the obvious: family, spirituality, travel, etc. I have been discovering less obvious things also, and I am finding parts of myself that I thought I had left behind for good years ago. I gladly welcome them back as priorities. I saw this picture years ago, and ended up in tears. As corny as it might sound, that picture changed my life. I knew that things in this world could not carry on in the same manner, and I promised myself that I would do something about it all one day through politics or philanthropy, but then I put it aside. I recently began thinking of that picture again, and I don’t think I can wait much longer before really doing something–I would be betraying something deep inside, and I am hoping that I can use photography as just one avenue to at least begin to highlight some of the most disturbing things in the world. It is my intent to use 2009 as a catapult for this dream.

I am confident that the rest of my life will be ripe with rediscovery, and right now I am fine with that. I am finding that with each new year, I shed some aspect I didn’t like about myself, and this year, I intend to shed a lot more than normal. I am approaching relationships with a heightened maturity, aided by a small degree of detachment, and I already feel stronger for it. I am shedding insecurities I didn’t even know that I had, and I am celebrating strengths that have, until now, remained hidden.

I am ready for 2009. Are you?

Tagged as: authenticity, future, goals, growing up, nostalgia, photography, travel